Some days, I feel like I’m suffocating. It feels like the demand of raising two human beings has personified itself and is wrapping its fingers around my neck, cutting off my air supply little by little. As others have said, “Motherhood got hands,” and Sis doesn’t always play nice. On those days, I can recognize I am overwhelmed. However, managing stress during those peak moments of overburden is not always intuitive. When you feel submerged by all you have to do and be, seeing your way out, let alone managing stress, can seem unfathomable. But a full year of therapy, with much of the work being centered around mothering, has helped me to understand the opposite. Trials will always present themselves, but how we respond to and manage stress is the secret to withstanding periods of difficulty in this parenting journey.
Listen to Your Body
The first step of stress management is recognizing when you are overwhelmed. Some of the initial indicators that we are under pressure are not emotional but physical. “Focus on your body because it will tell you,” Sara Elysée, licensed mental health counselor, certified clinical trauma professional, and founder of SoundMind Wellness, tells ESSENCE. “That brain-body connection — it does show up. For one person, it could be a headache. It could be increased feelings of irritability. Sometimes, it’s stomach issues. Even though we may not think we know our bodies, we do. Listen to your body.”
Recognize Your Triggers
In addition to knowing when you’re stressed, it’s also essential to recognize what stresses you. Your patterns may not be obvious to you immediately; however, keeping a log or journal when you feel under duress may help you to identify common triggers.
Say “No”
At the start of my journey as a full-time working mom, a wise woman once told me, “You are working harder than you will ever work in your entire life. You’re working hard at work establishing your career, and you’re working hard at home as a mom of small children.” Recognizing when you’re in one of those grueling seasons is essential, and saying no is not just recommended; it’s a survival requirement. “When you don’t feel like doing something or you don’t have the capacity to do things, say ‘No,’” Elysée admonishes. “You cannot do it all. If you have to delegate within your own means, delegate. If there are things you can let go of because we have different seasons in life, let go of them if it’s not too important. If it’s a night where you’re too tired to cook, order out.”
Ask for Help
Struggling as a mom can be shame-inducing and produce feelings of inadequacy. Decades of unrealistic expectations placed on the shoulders of women have programmed many moms and the people around them to believe women should be able to do it all.
“‘I can’t ask for help because if I ask for help, that means I can’t handle things. I can’t be vulnerable. Or I don’t want other moms to think that I can’t do it because I see that they can do it all, and they are doing it all. Why can’t I?’ Let go of that guilt,” Elysée says. “Let go of that idea that you have to do everything.”
Establish Routines
If you are in a particularly stressful season, you may be too overwhelmed to think about routines. However, when you have the headspace for it, examining your practices and looking for ways to make them more efficient can make a world of difference. We may not be able to control life’s curveballs, but we can control the structure we give ourselves and our children by building tight routines. Some particularly helpful ones may include packing lunch and laying out clothes the night before a school day or staying up for a time after the kids go to bed to tidy up and reset your home.
Coping When There’s No Village
The absence of the village is a common issue discussed amongst today’s parents. The reality is that not all of us have a tribe to lean on, and for some of us who do, the people in our village may not be able to help with day-to-day parenting challenges. To that, Elysée advises overwhelmed moms, “If you don’t have a village, build one. If you do, drop them off, but if you don’t, leverage what you have.”
In 2025, some of us will have to pay for the village, and that’s okay. I consider the staff at my infant’s daycare and my kindergartner’s school to be an essential part of my village. They love my babies, and we love them back. I trust them, and I am eternally grateful for them.
Look for the Bright Spots
Finding ways to make the things we have to do but don’t necessarily want to do more enjoyable is a great way to boost your mood and lower stress. For a mom with a long commute, this could look like listening to an audiobook, a beloved playlist, or an engaging podcast. For moms who are struggling with chores, this could look like purchasing appliances or technology that make your cleaning routine easier. If you have to do it anyway, consider how you can find happiness in it. “Focus on moments instead of the entire day,” Elysée shares.“Right now, I’m sitting down, and it’s so quiet. Oh the kids are playing, look at them. Look at what I created.”
Schedule “You” Time
“You are giving yourself to so many people. Your children and whomever else is in your life. You have to set aside time for yourself,” says Elysée. “I always give this as therapy homework. Go into your calendar, and I don’t care if it’s this month or next; put yourself on that calendar. Do something for yourself. Make it an appointment. Start small. If the kids are in daycare or school and you have the ability to take a day off, take that day off and spend that time with yourself before they come home.” And when you schedule that you time, do nothing. “Don’t do any housework,” she adds. “Just do something that makes you happy.”
Be Self-Aware
A major key for momming while overwhelmed is not making a routine of allowing our stress to spill over onto our children. Elysée says it’s essential to peep when you’ve stepped out of bounds and take inventory of those patterns.
“You have to recognize when you’re outside of your element. ‘Oh, I’m acting outside of my character. The way I’m responding to my kids, it doesn’t make me feel good.’ But you also need to have that self-compassion because we’re not going to get it right all the time. On the days you didn’t get it right, and you didn’t respond the right way, and you snapped, once you recognize it, just say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Then, after a while, you will start to see the patterns,” she says. “We all have patterns, and you have to ask yourself, do I want to continue this way? No. And if that’s the case, mommy might need a timeout. You can communicate to the kids, ‘Mommy might need a timeout right now because I feel a little overwhelmed.’ They see you as a person, and they see you as human. They’re watching a mom who can regulate and recognize her emotions. They’re seeing those behaviors, and you’re helping them to build their emotional intelligence.”
