A significant purpose for the holidays is an opportunity to spend time with family and loved ones. And while that sounds beautiful, the holidays don’t look the same for everyone, nor do they feel the same. Depending on the circumstances, this season could bring up a lot of emotions that could affect your mental health in a negative way.
According to NAMI, many people have a difficult time during the holidays. A 2021 survey revealed that 3 in 5 people in the U.S. feel that their mental health is negatively impacted by this time of year. While the causes may vary, people can feel anxiety, grief, and loneliness during a time that’s supposed to be marked by cheer. With so many factors that can bring our mood down instead of brightening it, it is imperative to pay attention to what may trigger these feelings and find ways to navigate them. Licensed therapist and founder of Momology Maternal Wellness Club, Ana’Neicia Williams, DSW, LCSW, understands how the holiday season can be difficult for people.
“There are three themes that come up around holidays. There is grief, boundaries, and traditions. Whether people are empty nesters, a loved one has passed away, or you feel the pressures of the ‘matching pajamas’ you see on social media, people start to analyze their own situation, and it can cause anxiety and stress,” Williams says.
And doing it all alone can exacerbate those feelings. Plenty of people will go through Thanksgiving and Christmas solo because of loss, because their situations have changed, or because they aren’t romantically linked. Williams shares what she believes is the best advice to navigate these scenarios so that this time of year is a happy one as opposed to a heavy one.
Family Matters
Quincy Black*, Chicago-based lifestyle blogger and founder of Journey With Quincy, knows what it is like to have traditions in her household. But, once her son left the nest, the holidays began to look different. As a woman in her 40s, Black is hoping to strengthen her relationship with her now-adult son and tap into new ways to enjoy the season.
“At first, I was feeling a sense of guilt and shame around the holidays. When I thought I was doing everything right, I found out from my son that I pushed these expectations onto him. He stopped speaking to me during the first year he moved out. I also helped raise my brother’s kids, my nieces, and cultivated other parental relationships that I didn’t have with my own child. So, that was something that I needed to work through in therapy,” she shares. “I spent the holidays with my youngest niece this time last year and barely spoke to my son. Thankfully, I have a better relationship with him.”
She adds, “Since I am home solo, I have been focusing on tapping into new hobbies and more self-care routines to help with my anxiety and my feelings of being without the kids this holiday season.”
Williams recommends that empty nesters like Black acknowledge that they feel grief. When you think about children who have moved out and on, they may create their own traditions with family, friends or a possible romantic partner. Parents can use this as an opportunity to create an open invitation for their children to spend time at home during the holidays. Or, like Black, they can prioritize trying new hobbies that could ultimately create a new tradition they’ll grow to love.
“If we want to go further, if you have experienced a divorce and there are children involved, it can be a little tricky, too. It’s about figuring things out while still learning to coexist together,” Williams says. “You may not be at the home where you raised the children. The main objective is to ensure parents keep their children at the center. So communication is really important and aligning with what the end goal is. It’s about redefining what family looks like for everyone.”
Single and Searching
Briannon Kelley, a PR professional in Los Angeles who has been successful in her career, is reminded of what might be missing during the holiday season. While being single is not a bad thing, growing up in a family that values marriage can make anyone feel anxious about their relationship status during this time.
“This holiday season will be the first time I will see the entire family in one setting in a while! I just turned 30 in October, and the conversation of love and family is one I am not looking forward to,” she says. “My parents have been married for over 40 years. I’m the youngest of five, and all four of my siblings have been married. The holidays stir up so many emotions for me with hopes of what ifs and what could be.”
It also doesn’t help that her loved ones ask her about her relationship status, or lack thereof, when Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities roll around.
“I’m often met with questions like, ‘Are you bringing someone home?’ or ‘No suitors in LA?’ The pressure to perform and meet expectations has always been a part of my life, and lately, I’ve noticed it sneaking into how I approach my own love life,” Kelly notes. “While I’ve worked hard to excel in so many areas—career, personal growth, and self-discovery—love is the one aspect of my life that feels incomplete.”
She adds, “My parents have set a beautiful example of what a fruitful, lasting relationship should look like. I’ve witnessed their love reflected in my siblings’ marriages and even in the strength two of my siblings have found after divorce. So, my prayer is to build a love that stands the test of time and leaves a legacy for generations to come. So, each year, I find myself torn about which holiday to go home for, knowing that my choice carries weight—not just logistically, but emotionally. I want to show my family how much they mean to me and hope that who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished makes them proud.”
Because the pressure to be in a romantic relationship heightens during the holiday season, Williams advises singles to step back and ask themselves if they really want to be in one or if they simply feel like they should be in one. “So you feel this pressure to form a romantic relationship because you have this end game of you wanting to be in a relationship. But that may not even be your reality and what you want, but you’re being conditioned to believe this,” Williams explains.
If you believe you want a relationship and are still dating, you can lean on companionship during the holidays until you find a partner. Williams knows that plenty of friends create spaces for each other through Friendsgiving events or decorating each other’s homes for Christmas. So, it helps to tap into your community to cope with that feeling of isolation or feeling left out.
Dealing With Loss
Venise Blow, a 33-year-old Chicago resident, has adjusted to experiencing the holiday season solo for a few years now. After losing both of her parents, she is finding new ways to enjoy this time of year, including by connecting with extended family.
“I think this is an experience that many people are navigating, or will eventually go through” Blow says. “Growing up, I never would have thought I wouldn’t have either of my parents by the time I was 30. The grief comes in waves before and after the holidays. But I think, especially when the holidays are closer, you start to grieve the life and experiences you thought you would have had.”
She continues, “I was very close to my mom’s side of the family. And now that I’m older, I feel like they’ve kind of taken a backseat a bit. I don’t think it’s on purpose. I think that because I’m an adult, they’re thinking, ‘Oh, she got it. She’s good.’ So, it can be a bit isolating unless you are intentional about your connections. I want to say within the past five years or so, I’ve really been leaning towards my chosen family and friends.”
Williams counsels those who are experiencing loss and encourages them to give themselves grace. There is no time limit to be okay with a loss. But when you are ready to accept the holidays without a loved one, there are small things you can do to make it a little easier.
“When we have relatives or people who are no longer on earth, you may have moments where you look over at the table, and it’s a reminder that this person is not here anymore. So, what is helpful for individuals is to figure out how they want to remember these people. Do you create a new tradition? Or do you decorate the tree with honorarium ornaments? Either way, take your time with that grief. It could be one year after that loss or 15 years, and the loss can still impact someone. When you are ready, choose to do things that brighten your spirits,” Williams says.
How to Prepare
If you are looking to prepare yourself for these intense feelings, Williams encourages people to ask self-reflective questions. Based on your answers, you will gain more clarity about how you should approach what is supposed to be a time of cheer.
“I encourage journaling a lot with individuals. But some people don’t like to write, so I advise you to use voice notes on your phone too, where you can record yourself. The first question is, what feelings do the holidays bring to me? The second question is, where do I feel them in my body? If we are able to assess ourselves and acknowledge what’s going on, I think that that’s step one,” Williams says. “A third question is, what am I trying to portray about myself to others during the holidays? That goes back to social media and the judgment that comes up sometimes in that comparison.”
She adds, “The last question we can ask ourselves is, what do I envision for myself regarding the holidays? You can say, ‘I want to experience joy. I want to be gathered around people, or maybe I want to be peaceful, and the holidays are the time for me to retreat and be by myself.’ Really envision your holiday season and what you want for yourself without the expectations of what others may be placing on you. Reflecting and understanding our sense of self can help us navigate what we want to see for our holiday experience.”
*Name has been changed to protect identity of subject.
