Are you sharing too much of your business on dates? Floodlighting is the latest dating trend on TikTok, describing people who share deeply personal and emotional details too early in the dating process, often as an attempt to accelerate intimacy.
However, authentic connection takes time and is an investment. Throughout TikTok, you can find users sharing their accounts of experiencing floodlighting (oversharing) on dates. But are people wrong to overshare initially? In this digital age of dating and interacting, how do you know when you are, in fact, sharing too much? Given that most Americans experience extreme and debilitating loneliness, it’s not uncommon for some to not understand social cues and conversational etiquette. According to recent Gallup data, approximately 20% of U.S. adults report feeling lonely every day.
Additionally, a 2024 poll by the American Psychiatric Association shared that 30% of adults have experienced loneliness at least once a week. So, while it’s not wrong to crave connection and intimacy, it’s essential to practice emotional intelligence and overall awareness when interacting with others, especially potential romantic partners. Rikki Clark McCoy, licensed clinical social worker and holistic therapist, agrees. “We all crave connection. We want to feel seen, known, and understood—especially in our closest relationships. But sometimes, in our pursuit of emotional intimacy, we unintentionally cross the line from vulnerability into something called floodlighting,” she shares.
As a holistic therapist, she’s unfortunately seen this issue come up time and time again: individuals who overshare too soon, confuse emotional exposure with connection, and later feel raw, misunderstood, or regretful.
She describes floodlighting as when we share too much, too fast, often as a way to rush emotional closeness, seek reassurance, test someone’s loyalty, or manage the anxiety we feel around abandonment or rejection. “It’s like shining a spotlight on your deepest wounds and hoping the other person won’t flinch—or worse, walk away. And while it can feel cathartic in the moment, emotional floodlighting often leaves us feeling even more exposed or unseen in the aftermath,” she shares.
Her assessment is accurate, as we’ve probably all been there before. So, how do you know if you’re floodlighting in your relationships? Here are some common signs from McCoy:
You may find yourself sharing deeply personal experiences, such as past trauma, family struggles, or relationship baggage, very early on in a connection.
- You may feel a sense of urgency to “get it all out” before the relationship has even had time to develop.
- Afterwards, you might feel what I call a ‘vulnerability hangover’—a sense of regret or emotional exhaustion, wondering whether you said too much or revealed yourself too soon.
- In some cases, you may even use vulnerability as a test: If I share this part of me, will they stay? If they comfort me, I feel safe—but if they pull away, I spiral.
She believes that type of emotional flooding comes from a place of urgency, rather than a grounded connection. “It can come from past trauma, anxious attachment, or growing up in environments where you felt unseen or emotionally neglected. When we floodlight, it’s usually because we’re trying to create emotional safety externally, when what we need is to cultivate that safety internally,” she states.
Make no mistake, though, vulnerability is not the problem. Vulnerability is sacred and essential to true intimacy. But McCoy argues that healthy vulnerability is paced. “We must learn to ‘drip, not flood.” We must check our intentions before sharing: Am I opening up to connect, or to calm my anxiety?”
So, how do you heal from being an emotional flooder? McCoy suggests learning to trust that you don’t have to tell your whole story right away to be loved or accepted. “Take your time. Let trust build. Allow the relationship to earn your vulnerability. It’s okay to create boundaries around what you share and with whom. Emotional intimacy should feel mutual, not one-sided,” she says.
McCoy continues, “Before having a vulnerable conversation, take a moment to regulate your nervous system—whether through breathwork, journaling, or stillness. When we share from a calm, rooted place rather than from urgency or fear, we give our truth the space it deserves.”
Although emotional honesty is powerful, when we floodlight, it can become self-abandonment in disguise, and that power becomes diminished. “If you’ve been oversharing or moving too fast emotionally, give yourself compassion. This behavior often stems from a deep desire to feel safe. The work is in learning how to create safety within, so we don’t rush to find it externally. It’s important to note that you are not too much. Your story matters and your healing deserves tenderness and time,” McCoy says.
Here are additional bitsized tips to stop floodlighting, from psychotherapist Meghan Watson:
Why do people floodlight in relationships?
- It can be a survival strategy rooted in trauma, abandonment, or emotional neglect — oversharing becomes a way to secure a connection quickly.
- Some people believe that being “deep” early on is the only way to form meaningful bonds, even if the relationship hasn’t yet earned that level of intimacy.
- It’s often a nervous system response — anxiety or discomfort might push someone to fill silence with emotionally intense disclosures.
- Oversharing can feel like authenticity, but often lacks the mutual trust and pacing that actual vulnerability requires.
Signs you might be floodlighting:
- You feel emotionally raw or regretful after a conversation or date.
- You share highly personal stories unprompted or too early in connection.
- You feel hurt or rejected if the other person doesn’t respond with equal vulnerability.
- You notice a sense of urgency to “get close fast” or prove you’re emotionally available.
How to correct it:
- Pause and check your intentions for the share. Ask yourself, “Am I sharing to connect — or to control, manage anxiety, or feel seen?” Is this coming from a place of pain, peace, or purpose?
- Match the moment. Let vulnerability mirror the pace of the relationship, not just your emotions.
- Leave room to build slowly + gradually. Intimacy grows over time. Let people earn your more profound truths.
Practice self-soothing when you feel the urge to dump too soon. Learn to sit with relational uncertainty. You don’t need to be fully known in the first hour to be worthy of love.
